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idiot

A man in a bar sees a friend at a table, drinking by himself. Approaching the friend he comments, "You look terrible. What's the problem?" "My mother died in August," he said, "and left me $25,000." "Gee, that's tough," he replied. "Then in September," the friend continued, "My father died, leaving me $90,000." "Wow. Two parents gone in two months. No wonder you're depressed." "And last month my aunt died, and left me $15,000." "Three close family members lost in three months? How sad." "Then this month," continued, the friend, "absolutely nothing!"

ARRIVINF DRUNK @ HOME

Arriving home very drunkA man is in a bar and falling off his stool every couple of minutes. He is obviously drunk. So the bartender says to another man in the bar: "Why don't you be a good Samaritan and take him home."The man takes the drunk out the door and to his car and he stumbles at least ten times. They drive along and the drunk points out his house to the man. He stops the car and the drunk stumbles up the steps to his house with the man.The drunk's wife greets them at the door: "Why thank you for bringing him home for me, but where's his wheel chair?"

hi

A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink?" The bartender considers it, then agrees. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues.After the man finished his drink, he asked the bartender, "If I show you an even better trick, will you give me free drinks for the rest of the evening?" The bartender agrees, thinking that no trick could possibly be better than the first. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues. The man reaches into another pocket and pulls out a small bullfrog, who begins to sing along with the rat's music.While the man is enjoying his beverages, a stranger confronts him and offers him $100,000.00 for the bullfrog. "Sorry," the man replies, "he's not for sale." The stranger increases the offer to $250,000.00 cash up front. "No," he insists, "he's not for sale." The stranger again increases the offer, this time to $500,000.00 cash. The man finally agrees, and turns the frog over to the stranger in exchange for the money."Are you insane?" the bartender demanded. "That frog could have been worth millions to you, and you let him go for a mere $500,000!" "Don't worry about it." the man answered. "The frog was really nothing special. You see, the rat's a ventriloquist."

Things that are ABSOLUTELY IMPOSSIBLE to say when you're drunk

Things that are ABSOLUTELY IMPOSSIBLE to say when you're drunk... a) Thanks, but I don't want to sleep with you.b) Nope, no more booze for me.c) Sorry, but you're not really my type.d) No kebab for me, thank you.e) Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight?f) I'm not interested in fighting you.g) Oh, I just couldn't - no one wants to hear me sing.h) Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no co-ordination. I'd hate to look like a fool.i) Where is the nearest toilet? I refuse to vomit in the street.j) I must be going home now as I have work in the morning

DRUNKEN IDIOT 3

Late at night, a drunk was on his knees beneath a street-light, evidently looking for something. A passer-by, being a good Samaritan, offered to help. "What is it you have lost?" he asked. "My watch," replied the drunk. "It fell off when I tripped over the pavement." The passer-by joined in the search but after a quarter of an hour, there was still no sign of the watch. "Where exactly did you trip?" asked the passer-by."About half a block up the street," replied the drunk. "Then why are you looking for your watch here if you lost it half a block up the street?" The drunk said: "Because the light's a lot better here."

DRUNKEN IDIOT 2

A guy walks into a bar and approaches the barman, "Can I have a pint of Less, please?""I'm sorry sir," the barman replies, looking slightly puzzled, "I've not come across that one before. Is it a spirit?""I've no idea," replies the guy, "The thing is, I went to see my doctor last week and he told me that I should drink less."

LYK FATHER LYK SON

father and son are fishing in a boat and thefather reaches over to a cooler and pulls out abeer and starts drinking it. The son says, "Dad,can I have one?" And the father says, "Well, canyour dick reach around your leg and touch your asshole?" The son says, "Umm, no." So later on the father reaches over and pulls out a cigaretteand starts smoking it. The son says, "Dad, can Ihave one of those?" the father replies, "Can yourdick reach around your leg and touch your asshole?" The son says, "No." The father says,"Well too bad."
Later on they're driving down the road and they stop at a gas station. The father goes in and buys one hundred lotto tickets and gives his sonone. The father scratches off all ninety-nine ofthem and he's a loser! His son scratches off hisand he won ten million dollars! The father says,"Ok son, give me the ticket." the son replies, "Well, can your dick reach around your leg and touch your asshole?" The father says, "Yeah!" The son says, "Then Go Fuck Yourself! This MoneyIs Mine!!!”

GENIE IS HERE MAKE UR WISH B4 IT 2 LATE

Three men found a bottle and rubbed it. A genie popped out and told them that he would grant themone wish each. The first man wished for a million dollars. He got it. The second man wished for a beautiful wife wholoved him unconditionally. Suddenly, a beautifulwoman appeared and they fell in love. The third man wished for his dick to be so long that it would touch the ground. So the genie cut his legs off.

GENIE IS HERE MAKE UR WISH B4 IT 2 LATE

Three men found a bottle and rubbed it. A genie popped out and told them that he would grant themone wish each. The first man wished for a million dollars. He got it. The second man wished for a beautiful wife wholoved him unconditionally. Suddenly, a beautifulwoman appeared and they fell in love. The third man wished for his dick to be so long that it would touch the ground. So the genie cut his legs off.

intrerestng

UMONA

There was a guy who just got out of a really baddivorce with his wife.
One day, he found a genie's lamp.
The genie came out and said, "Hellomaster.
I will grant you three wishes but, whatever you wish for your wife gets double.
" The guy didn't like that part but he made a wishanyway.
For his first wish, he said, "Genie, I want a house in Hawaii."
POOF!!! He got one house, his wife got two.
This didn't make him happy but, he made his second wish.
"Genie,I want2 billion dollars.
" POOF! He got two billion, hiswife four billion.
By now, this guy isn't very happy.
The genie says, "You have one wish left. Ihave to remind you, what ever you wish for your wife gets double.
" The guy says, "Yeah,yeah. I know."
So the guy thinks real hard and says "I got it!Genie, beat me half to death!!"

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LET SAY U R A TRAFIC COP WHT WULD U DO IF U COME ACROSS SITUATION LIKE THIS

DRUNKEN IDIOT

A wife was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband's key in the door. "Stay where you are," she said. "He's so drunk he won't even notice you're in bed with me."

Sure enough, the husband lurched into bed none the wiser, but a few minutes later, through a drunken haze, he saw six feet sticking out at the end of the bed. He turned to his wife: "Hey, there are six feet in this bed. There should only be four. What's going on?"

"Nonsense," said the wife. "You're so drunk you miscounted. Get out of bed and try again. You can see better from over there."

The husband climbed out of bed and counted. "One, two, three, four. You're right, you know."